Apologies are hard to find in Texas

(ed note: This was a free-writing exercise that I composed a few years ago. In some ways, I was embarrassed of the ambitious voice and didn't want to share it. But over the years, as it collected pixel dust, I still thought about it occasionally. This piece has an energy that I resonate with on a deep level, that I try to carry through my other work. Some of the wording and metaphors might be less-than-couth, but the vibe is there and feel like its worth sharing in a lightly edited version.)

Texas has always been a place for adventurous, exhilarating vibrance and vitality. Despite the droughts, this place exists to build fortunes. This is a place for hard fought luck to prosper. This is a place that rewards those who can tough it out. If you can handle Texas at its worst, you’ll be rewarded a limitless supply of whatever it is you’re looking for. It's your job to make sure it's not bullshit.

Apologies are hard to find in Texas. It’s a hard place to be sometimes. But if you want to find a pair of boots that’ll get you farther than you ever thought you could go, boots that you can get an incredible amount of work out of, the kind of work that will inspire people for generations, you gotta go beyond the instagrammable, internet listicle bullshit and pull ‘em off a dead guy who couldn’t hack it in the dusty heat. The comfort of finding out for yourself can’t be bought. Or sold by some other person on the internet.

Living here isn’t supposed to be easy. Its not for the weak. You can’t afford to be lazy. Lives have been lost for lack of water. Weakness will be snuffed out at first opportunity. Over time there have been countless adversaries to success in this land. If you wanna make it in Texas you’ve got to be stronger, tougher, meaner, grittier than the strongest, toughest, meanest, grittiest out here. But if you can outlast all that stuff, the rewards are as deep as Jacobs Well, vast as the hills of bluebonnets, thicker than the muckiest cypress swamps, ethereal as the Marfa lights.

This is a place of extremes. Just last night as I write this, there was a lightning storm that could power the whole state for the rest of the year. I whipped my phone out and just started snapping pics and each tap captured lighting eternal. This place is only knows extremes. We all know about the heat, but the cold can fuck you up like you don’t know how. If you wanna wear your black jeans and be a gritty, edgy Austinite, you gotta know how to survive in it all.

Extreme heat, extreme dust, extreme poverty right next door to extreme wealth, extreme politics, icy cold that will crush anything that isn’t already dead. You’ve got to find a way to handle all of that, if you want your extreme success.

This is the place of “bet you won’t”. But if you do, you’ll be remembered harder than the Alamo.

This is a place where, even though there’s plumbing everywhere, men piss outside. Women don’t give a fuck to shave their legs or pits. And anybody in-between can tell you to fuck right off.

This is the place that can sustain and nourish a real dog who goes where he wants and leaves shits for anyone to admire. You can try to find that in a line of software code or some such artificial intelligence but that will leave you hungrier and thirstier than original settlers in a hard drought.

So come on out, if you think you’re mean, I’ve seen snakes that would send shivers down your spine into your dreams. I’ve seen scorpions that will get in any crevasse your mind is trying to hide from you. If you think you’ve got trauma, let’s see what the cartels think about it. We’ve got chupacabras and other more sinister energies that only exist to pull you under. For the prettiest batch of pink evening primrose even has to have the grit in its roots to find purchase between floods and draughts.

The only thing that can help you out here is someone who’s seen all that and knows how to survive it. Someone who uses the mucus of sniveling whiners to slip out of a tight spot.

Texas is a place where you might need spirituality if you’re going to survive. And yours alone may not be enough, you might need a whole fucking congregation to get through the times we’ve got. Apologies are hard to find in Texas. It's not our fault, we’re only a product of our surroundings. Even in spring, this is a tough place to be. But if you’re between a rock and a real hard place, you’d be pretty lucky to be surrounded by Texans.