Ordinarily, I approach my writing with the intention of sharing some laughs. I found it satisfying to explore a silly idea and to pursue a conclusion with some semblance of legitimate articulation. Earlier this week, I shared some vulnerable and raw emotions that wouldn’t otherwise find their way into my shared work. What I learned by expanding the range of emotions in my work is that my satisfaction in more fatuous posts wasn’t as robust as I thought it was.
By sharing my more difficult emotions, I got to understand them better myself. Through expressing aspects of my “shadow self”, I offered these feelings, and myself compassion that at first I wasn’t sure I deserved.
But we all deserve compassion, and oftentimes offering it to ourselves can be the most difficult transaction of our lives. And I’m using the term ‘transaction’ as when compassion is expressed one way, I believe it naturally follows that compassion is also expressed in return. For another water analogy, in river hydrology, eddies occur as the force of the water over and around obstacles leaves voids that are filled in by water returning upstream.
So what does it feel like to share such intense feelings so publicly? I’m surprised I wasn’t more nervous, to be completely honest. As I began typing, rendering the feelings into readable words was really cathartic. Once I had that feeling of release, I didn’t let any concerns of who might read it or how they might interpret it influence or censor my product. I felt like if it's helping me to just get the words out, it might help another person to read them.
In my dedication to expressing these feelings as they came out and to avoid negating the intensity of these feelings, I feel I might have benefitted myself and readers from fleshing out the conclusion a little more. I mentioned ruminating over Sgt. Floyd’s death, my intention was to share that through observing his untimely demise and what he missed out on that I realized a sliver of my own mortality.
In my screenplay, I use Sgt. Floyd’s death as a tool for the other members of the Corps of Discovery to consider mortality, and the tenuous nature of their mission.
Beyond just my blog post, I’ve been experimenting with exposing broader emotions to the screenplay as well, and so far, I’m convinced the work is growing and increasing in complexity and depth as a result. Also, from what I’ve reviewed so far, and as long as I don’t say so myself: it's really funny. I’m proud of what I’ve done with Sacagawea’s heroic moments that received criminally minimal acclaim in the journals and still finding room for humor. With that said, I acknowledge that the work still has a lot of progress to be made before it can be shared.
BUT—that also convinces me that if the work is growing, then so too am I.
The catharsis continued after I posted as I received an outpouring of support. Friends, family and readers of all sorts had supportive and encouraging things to say. Some had painfully resonant stories to share along with their support. It may not have been comfortable to write or read, but the connection to my readers is too palpable to deny.
If anything, this has been my most impactful post, as I realize that previously I would have depressive episodes that would cause me to avoid my creative work for weeks or months. In order to retain my sense of self, I need to continue to create no matter the internal weather. Incorporating these more difficult emotions solves these opposing conflicts by allowing me to retain my creative routine, and by providing an avenue for these emotions to be expressed.
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